--The dude's never been drunk, smoked or taken drugs.  Which is way more un-American than being born in Kenya.

--It's just a terrible time in America to be an impossibly handsome and intelligent white man.

--Shocking, Americans don't give a crap who Meat Loaf endorses.

--America just wasn't hearing the knowledge that Meat Loaf, Ted Nugent and Melissa Joan Hart were dropping.

--All his sons resemble d-bag bullies from John Hughes movies.

--Instead of reaching out to gay voters on the campaign trail, he decided to hold them down and shave their heads.

--Oprah personally promised a reassuring hug to every sad housewife who voted for Obama.

--Unlike the last Republican presidential winner, he didn't have a charming, universally respected running mate like Dick Cheney.

--Face it:  A "mitt" belongs on a baseball catcher's hand.  Not in the White House.

--Hello?  The election process is just a sham.  Everybody knows that the presidency goes to whomever George Clooney picks.

--Despite his efforts, he was never able to shut Donald Trump up!

--More of his supporters would have voted for him, but they had trouble finding their way out of their giant mansions.

--Getting a tan and eating a taco didn't sway the Hispanic vote like he thought it would.

--He didn't get that all-important Waka Flocka Flame endorsement.

--Guess acting like a gentleman is really "out" this year.  Next time, he'll campaign with a rapper.

--He lost his passion for the job once he saw what a small, fixer-upper the White House was.

--He just wasn't hard-wired to be president.  Literally, his designers put in the wrong wiring.

--He wanted to lose so he could fire all his campaign workers.