95.1 The Brew
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Most people know that Egypt is currently in chaos, but know very little about this historically-important country. Here are the Top Interesting Facts About Egypt.
Egyptians are prone to violent outbursts if you question their faith, talk about their family, or ask for the time.
60% of its citizens hate America. 40% hate Israel. And 100% hate "The Lone Ranger".
President Obama is closely monitoring it. Just like our phone records!
The worst time to visit there is the summer. The best time is never.
It's extremely dry and lifeless. Like a Wes Anderson movie.
A popular pastime is soccer. Followed closely by beheading Westerners.
As hard as it tries, it still doesn't hate Jews as much as Iran.
Their Muslim ruler was removed from office . . . which is something a lot of people wish would happen here.
A real mummy would beat the crap out of Brendan Fraser.
The Sphinx's nose didn't break off . . . it disintegrated due to excessive coke use.
With all the headdresses, crazy makeup and jewelry, even the dudes looked kind of like Lady Gaga.
The official state motto is "Human Rights, Schmuman Rights."
Egypt is the region's leading producer of wheat, corn and swarthiness.
Unlike their famously passive Middle Eastern neighbors, Egyptians can occasionally be argumentative.
Temperatures range from "hot" to "so insanely hot you want to accidentally lob grenades at peaceful protesters."
They don't allow gay marriage, but it's no big deal if you have two mummies.
We hope you have a fabulous Fourth! However, that might be difficult if you encounter anything from the Top Things You Don't Want to Hear on the Fourth of July.
Not to be a downer, but isn't it ironic we're celebrating our country's birth while watching it slowly die?
Sorry, we're out of sparklers but I have a few E-cigarettes you could wave around.
When I told you to come to my party dressed as a "patriot," I didn't think you'd soak yourself in blood and show up as Aaron Hernandez.
Check it out: Pawpaw's wearing his patriotic body thong!
In charge of tonight's fireworks display is the pyro team from Great White.
Oops, mistimed the cherry bomb. Anyone seen my thumb?
So, I said, "Trichinosis, Schmichinosis. If hotdogs are a nine cents a pound, you'd better believe I'm buying them!"
We really should make this a global holiday. That way, everyone will get to see how much better America is than the rest of the world.
Of course I understand the significance of the holiday. And to prove it, I'm going to shoot that English guy.
Thanks for the invitation to the barbecue, neighbor. By the way, enjoy this holiday, because it'll be your last, you godless infidel.
Sorry, this is an alcohol-free barbeque. But please help yourself to all the kombucha you want.
Hey, neighbor. Just thought you should know that Lil' Wayne just ripped the flag off your front porch and now he's dancing on it.
That sound isn't fireworks. I'm lactose-intolerant.
Crank up the Bieber!
KANYE WEST Tweeted a picture of one of the gifts KIM KARDASHIANgave him for his first Father's Day. And it's pretty sweet.
It's a pair of computer mice autographed by Apple co-founders STEVE JOBS and STEVE WOZNIAK
It's a fitting gift, since Kanye thinks he's AT LEAST as important as Jobs.
He recently said, quote, "I think what Kanye West is going to mean is something similar to what Steve Jobs means. I am undoubtedly, you know, Steve of Internet, downtown, fashion, culture. Period. By a long jump.
Ok... if you say so. Still a pretty cool present.